Humor: Coimisiún ag Gáire.

Comment

Comment by Adrian Martyn on February 23, 2010 at 6:02pm

Ireland Vs. France as viewed by Hitler.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92UvNvkyfaw

Comment by Terrance O'Dwyer on January 31, 2010 at 4:12am

Response to Comment by the right and honourable Tom Macmurray of January 9, 2010

Comment by Terrance O'Dwyer on January 28, 2010 at 1:50am

Alleged Kids Stuff---- seems like these kids are pretty worldly


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't haveocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like EmilyRichardson. She's not my friend anymore. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots andcomes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross theocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to makethe wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and Ilike their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is alwayscrying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just gotpregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can giveyou a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think theyhave to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes mywilly small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't godown alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was goingvery fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up herbig fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown Idon't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. Whathe doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Comment by Terrance O'Dwyer on January 26, 2010 at 11:35pm

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy...

Comment by Tom Macmurray on January 9, 2010 at 3:45pm

A few years ago, Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty-thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners!"

Comment by Terrance O'Dwyer on January 6, 2010 at 2:08am

Comment by Tom Macmurray on December 29, 2009 at 6:55am

Bless me father for I have sinned. Last Friday I had carnal knowledge of one of the girls after the dance.

"Tommy, is that you? queried the priest.

"Yes father," I replied....how does he always know.

"Now you tell me, young Tom," the inquisition began. "Who was it?"

"I'm sorry father. I took advantage of her weakness but I will no betray her trust or dishonor her by divulging her name."

"It was good of you to confess this sin, but if you want me to go light on the penance you will be tell'n me her name. Now was it Mary Ann Mckenna?"

"Father I'll not tell!"

"Yes you will lad. Now was it Mary Catherine Flynn."

"Father I'll not tell and bring shame on her."

"Now you tell me lad...It was ....It was Mary Pat Sheahan, wasn't it?"

"Father, I'll not be telling, so just give me my penance"

"Well enough, I forbid you to serve Mass for three weeks, you'll say three Rosaries and you'll be thinking about our discussioln!"

My buddy, Mike Ryan was waiting for me when I scooted out of the confessional. "How'd it go" says Mikey.

"Well I got three Rosaries, Three weeks vacation and three pretty solid Leads for next Friday!"

Comment by Alan Hennessy on December 18, 2009 at 8:09pm

A few I heard today:-

We were so poor long ago that my mother couldn't afford a turkey at Christmas. She used go down to Moore Street and buy an octopus because everyone would have a leg.

It used to take 12 hours to cook the octopus because it kept reaching out and turning off the gas.

We had a rich auntie and she used to buy lobster down Moore Street. They have to be alive to be fresh and she'd always ask if they were fresh. The stall holder would say "Do ya think I'm winding them up or what?"

The weather is so cold here at the moment that politicians are putting their hands in their own pockets.

Comment by Terrance O'Dwyer on November 25, 2009 at 2:20am

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Comment by Terrance O'Dwyer on September 30, 2009 at 3:00am

A few groaners --



A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

---------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

-----------------------------------

"Mr. Cooke, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife €775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few euro myself."

----------------------------------------------------

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Camille", the old man replied.

"Sir, Camille is very dear, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Camille."

Just then Camille appeared and announced to the old man that her fee was €1,000 per visitation. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten €100 notes. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Camille. Camille explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still €1,000 per visitation.

Again, the old man paid the fee; the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Camille the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Camille questioned the old man:

"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Dublin."
Is that right?" replied Camille. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give €3,000 to you."

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